Posted in Beauty and Makeup

QUICK REVIEW: Profusion 10-Pan Palettes

Emily Noel (as usual!) put me on to this brand. Unfortunately, all I could find on Shopee was the eyeshadow palettes, not the blushes which I also wanted. Upon searching, the shop ColourPop Amore PH carried a few Profusion palettes, so I grabbed the chance while they were still in stock!

I got the Violets and the Rubies palettes.

Continue reading “QUICK REVIEW: Profusion 10-Pan Palettes”
Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and anxiety, Mental health

My usual impulses

If you’re a close friend or family member, you may know that I’m having a depressive relapse. Again.

When I’m feeling this low, I usually think of utterly drastic changes to my life. I’ll be the first one to admit that I am impulsive, and when I’m in that mood, I can hardly be swayed to think logically.

One of the best examples is my hair. Specifically, my burning, fiery urge to have it colored pink every so often. Currently, it’s a shade of blonde with brown-black roots, but since I’m in a horrible state of mind, of course I want to have it colored fuchsia pink again. There’s something about having weird-colored hair that makes me feel good about myself. I’ve had it colored violet, pink, red, and blonde over the course of a few years.

Continue reading “My usual impulses”
Posted in Health, Life

Random Thoughts During The COVID-19 Pandemic

  1. Remote work is possible; we just are so used to going to the office that we didn’t see it as feasible until we needed to work from home. We realized that we didn’t have to deal with the horrendous traffic/commute because for the most part, people can work remotely. To that point…
  2. Working from home means less boundaries between your work life and your home life because technology has made it so easy to just answer one more email, do one more task, even when your shift is over.
  3. I feel sorry for students during this current situation. Zoom or Google Meet classes are not the same as face-to-face classes; I for one wouldn’t have learned as much, or have been as focused as I would be in real life. Also, interacting with my professors and classmates is priceless; I wouldn’t have enjoyed my time in college without all those shenanigans.
  4. I’m not as introverted as I thought I was. I miss socializing with my friends, going out and having dinner and drinks without a care in the world.
  5. The entire situation has taken a toll on my mental health, especially in 2020 when there seemed to be no end to the bad news. I made it a point to not watch the news then, because it was only making my mood worse.

Today, I got my second shot of Sinovac, for which I’m grateful. However, I’m aware that the pandemic is still ongoing, and not everyone is as lucky as I am to be already fully vaccinated. I truly hope this pandemic ends soon so we will all be a safer, and sleep better at night.

Posted in Life, Mental health

“I am so loved.”

A lot has happened over the course of a month or so. I won’t get into detail, but it involves me going into medication withdrawal as well as other major life events.

Lately, my moods have been stuck in a cycle of anxiety-sadness-anger. Suicidal thoughts have returned, as well as my relapse into self-harm (though I’m 9 days clean as of writing). I’ve been throwing myself into work because it helps me focus on something other than the existential void.

I spoke with my therapist recently, which helped in reframing my mindset towards all that has happened. She validated me in saying that all that has happened totally sucks ass, but there’s a silver lining: I get to achieve a specific personal goal I’ve been wanting for so long.

She also said that I keep thinking, “I am so loved, but why when I’m such a trash person?”; instead, I should stop the sentence at “I am so loved.” And it’s true: this past month, I have felt the love of so many people who care for me and my well-being. Even those who don’t fully understand my mental illness, like my stepbrother, are concerned. I appreciate that so much.

This has been one of the lowest points I’ve been at, but I’m looking at the freaking bright side, because otherwise I’d fly off the handle.

Posted in Life

The Obligatory New Year Blog Post: 2021

So, 2020 has been a bitch, hasn’t it? I’ve lost so much during the span of 12 months that The Best Friend congratulated me on staying sane.

The past year has been one of the hardest for most of us. Our world turned upside down as we weren’t able to do the things we enjoy, like seeing friends, going out to the movies or to dinner, and so on. I couldn’t employ my usual coping mechanism of going to my favorite coffee shop and journaling to reflect. I haven’t seen my therapists in-person in months, which is really hard because I genuinely enjoy our interactions. I haven’t seen The Best Friend or my college barkada in ages, which makes me utterly sad.

As news of COVID-19 vaccines keep on blasting, I’m still pessimistic that the pandemic will end in 2021. I don’t know why; I guess I just don’t like getting my hopes up.

In any case, there are still things I’m grateful for.

I’m thankful for my mom, first and foremost: she has been supporting me throughout this crisis. I’m thankful for my real friends, who show their love and affection when I need affirmation that I’m not actually a stupid piece of shit. I’m thankful for my mental health Discord server, where I have the honor of serving as a moderator, and where I’m accepted with all my flaws (albeit anonymously). I’m thankful to have 2 beautiful cats who snuggle beside me at bedtime (if they so choose – they are cats, after all).

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason; I believe that the universe is indifferent to our puny struggles. However, I do believe in the people I surround myself with: their resilience, intelligence, and love all drive me to be better.

So if you’ve been part of my 2020 for better or worse, all I want to say is: thank you, truly.

Posted in Uncategorized

Run away, Ela

If I can get my shit together, I’m gonna run away and never see any of you again.

Fall Out Boy, Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)

I’m at that stage again in my life where I want to disappear. I’ve written before about how there are points in my life where I want to pack everything up and move elsewhere, by myself, and start the fuck over.

But I know there’s no running away from mistakes. There’s no running away from emotional baggage and there’s no escaping responsibility, no matter where you are. Even if I do run away to Baguio/Cebu to start anew, at the end of the day, I will always be burdened with my own self.

And oh, how dearly I wish I weren’t so burned out. I am always exhausted and I sleep too much. I distract myself with YouTube and Netflix, and sometimes cooking and exercising. My cats have been helping relieve me of this heaviness, but I find myself a lot of the time wondering whether this is all there is. If so, what’s the point of continuing?

Posted in Beauty and Makeup

REVIEW & SWATCHES: Colourpop x EmilyNoel Bundle of Joy

When Emily announced that she had collaborated with Colourpop on a bundle of lip products, I was ecstatic. As you may know, Emily is my favorite YouTuber, and to see her succeed truly warms my heart. She mentioned in her video that Colourpop approached her and asked her to pick her favorite products, and god bless her heart, she chose lip products – my ultimate favorite makeup item!

This bundle includes five Just a Tint lip crayons, although I already decluttered the two lightest shades (Always Right and Gimme S’more) because they don’t work on my skin tone. Thus, I can only show the three darkest shades in the bundle.

Colourpop threw in an Ultra Glossy Lip because there was a delay in shipping my package! 🙂

The packaging is cute and simple: a chubby, twist-up lip crayon with a pointed tip that wears down as you use it. Like Emily, I like how the color of the lipstick is represented by the color of the packaging, making it easier to grab for a specific color when you’re looking for it.

Top to bottom: Chimichanga, Treasure Island, A Go Go

Chimichanga is a warm red; Treasure Island, a deep berry; and A Go Go, a more neutral, brownish red.

These act more like lip stains, so don’t expect incredible wear from them. However, they are very comfortable on the lips. They keep my lips moisturized throughout the day and never feels heavy or thick.

As you may have read in my previous blog post, I wasn’t a fan of The Emily Edit The Wants palette, so Emily coming out with this lip bundle and me loving it was such a happy experience.

Posted in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and anxiety, Mental health

An update on my mental health

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide and self-harm.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen my psychologist and psychiatrist because surprise, I’ve been feeling quite suicidal again.

This entire COVID situation has taken a serious toll on my mental health. I don’t really see people, eat out, shop, or do the things I used to. I miss hanging out alone at Q Cup in Quezon City, and writing while having coffee. I miss drinking with The Best Friend. I miss having dinner with my friends.

During GCQ, I knew I could have gone out a lot more, but my fear of catching COVID prevented me from doing so. I didn’t want to be a carrier and have to go into isolation, or god forbid, have anyone in my household catch it from me.

Basically, I’ve been cooped up inside the house for several months now. And I know other people have it worse. Some are unemployed, some have to take extreme measures just to get to work, some are starving, some have been evicted from their houses. Knowing all that, though, just makes me feel worse, as though my feelings are invalid because someone else is suffering more.

So what did I do when I was feeling that miserable? I cut my forearms, I stared off into space a lot because I felt too drained to even cry, I didn’t drink enough water, and didn’t eat well. I even stopped taking my medication regularly because I thought, what’s the point? It only occurred to me that I should schedule an emergency appointment with my psychologist when I realized that I constantly wanted to poison myself with a can of insecticide.

My psychologist, as usual, was very helpful. She told me that I am not alone; a lot of people are having mental health issues because of the ongoing crisis. She pointed out that I am surrounded by loving people who help ground me when I’m deep in the throes of depression. She validated my emotions but also said that while there are depressing things I can’t control, we can focus on the controllable factors: i.e. eating right, exercising, journaling, setting a limit for social media, and other healthy coping mechanisms.

I also saw my psychiatrist, who, when I mentioned I’ve been having bad dreams again, suggested I journal those dreams and tweak parts of them that I didn’t like or want to change. He also upped my dosage of aripiprazole because of my increasing suicidal ideation.

Right now, as I’m typing this, I am feeling surprisingly hopeful and optimistic. Yes, I may have difficult days (or weeks, or months), but it’s worth remembering that they don’t last forever.

Posted in Life

Our journeys

I’ll be turning 28 soon, and I hate it. I hate the thought of getting closer to 30 years old, mostly because I never thought I’d get this far (thanks, suicidal thoughts).

Honestly, I don’t want to turn 30, but I’m really, really trying to have a positive mindset here. So, I’ve decided to flip the bird at any and all expectations of society; more specifically, what I should have accomplished by my age. A lot of my peers are having life milestones right now: engagements, babies, and so on.

When I compare myself to them, I feel like a total loser for not having what they have. It’s difficult for me because I have high expectations of myself, and I expected my life to be… well, different than what it is now. I’m single, I’m childless (unless my cats count as kids), I haven’t traveled much, I have no life savings. Sometimes, I feel stuck, like my life is a never-ending stream of work-sleep-drink, even before COVID fucked our shit up.

However, I need to realize that even though I may not have the things that my peers do, I’m still lucky enough. I have a job that I actually like, I’m able to write fairly consistently, I have my family, I have my friends who are an amazing support system…

Our journeys are all different. No two people are exactly the same. My path may take me in a different direction, and I have to learn to be okay with life not following my own time frame.

Posted in Social Issues

My thoughts on Pride Month (but my voice is not the one that matters right now)

It’s June – officially the start of Pride Month, when we celebrate our LGBTQ+ friends!

As a cis straight woman, I cannot speak for them, nor do I want to attempt it. Thus, I collaborated with some of my LGBTQ+ friends to figure out what points to get across.

One of my friends bemoaned the fact that same-sex couples are denied marriage and the legal benefits that come from it, as well as not being allowed to have your insurance beneficiary be your partner if they’re of the same sex.

Another friend said that he hates how gay men are stereotyped, especially as being overly sexual.

Yet another friend feels discrimination within his devoutly Catholic family. He is also dismayed at the fact that weakness, or more accurately, a lack of machismo, is considered “gay”. Gay is a gender identity, he said, and should not be used as an insult.

One of my friends is bothered by some “allies” using the argument, “But gay people are fun to have around!”, as though gay people are only valid as a source of entertainment. He also notes the difference between acceptance and tolerance: if their community was truly accepted here, their rights wouldn’t be so hard to fight for.

Finally, one of my closest friends who identifies as a lesbian recognizes that even though we are ahead of other countries in terms of treating the LGBTQ+ community properly, she is still dismayed at the fact that they can only express themselves to a limited extent lest they be criticized for being too “loud”, for instance. She also cites that the voices of cis lesbians are less heard than cis gay men, which is reflective of how even in LGBTQ+ circles, misogyny exists. She ended our conversation with, “We are never really free until all women are free.”

As for myself, I advocate for equality and justice. I advocate for the end of discrimination. Too many LGBTQ+ people are victims of violence (physical or emotional). They’re more likely to have mental illnesses, and to be homeless.

In a country like the Philippines where its population is predominantly religious, there’s still a stigma against not being cis and straight. Gender roles are still enforced in our culture. Some LGBTQ+ folks are left with no choice but to stay in the closet lest their families shun them.

In 2020, this is an utter disgrace. To deprive a whole community of their human rights – marriage, a safe working environment, the lack of discrimination – is not acceptable and never will be. Their identities are valid and should be accepted fully.

I’d also like to point out that corporations like to bandwagon or piggyback off of Pride by selling you rainbow-colored shit. But are their hiring practices inclusive and diverse? Do they treat the LGBTQ+ community in their organizations well, ensuring a safe workplace without harassment? That is what we need, not a rainbow-striped coffee mug.

Finally, for the assholes who say, “Well, we don’t have a Straight Pride parade!”: YOU ARE NOT THE MINORITY HERE. You are not the community that is being harrassed, discriminated against, and threatened. There is no Straight Pride simply because you already have privileges: the right to marry, the legal benefits that come with marriage, the fact that you won’t get turned down for a job based on your sexuality or gender identity.

Happy Pride Month to all my LGBTQ+ friends. The fight is not yet over. But you have allies, and your voices shall be heard.