A lot has happened over the course of a month or so. I won’t get into detail, but it involves me going into medication withdrawal as well as other major life events.
Lately, my moods have been stuck in a cycle of anxiety-sadness-anger. Suicidal thoughts have returned, as well as my relapse into self-harm (though I’m 9 days clean as of writing). I’ve been throwing myself into work because it helps me focus on something other than the existential void.
I spoke with my therapist recently, which helped in reframing my mindset towards all that has happened. She validated me in saying that all that has happened totally sucks ass, but there’s a silver lining: I get to achieve a specific personal goal I’ve been wanting for so long.
She also said that I keep thinking, “I am so loved, but why when I’m such a trash person?”; instead, I should stop the sentence at “I am so loved.” And it’s true: this past month, I have felt the love of so many people who care for me and my well-being. Even those who don’t fully understand my mental illness, like my stepbrother, are concerned. I appreciate that so much.
This has been one of the lowest points I’ve been at, but I’m looking at the freaking bright side, because otherwise I’d fly off the handle.