Updates: June 2022

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I honestly haven’t had the drive, will, motivation to write at all. The most writing I’ve done was in Finch, my gamified mental health habit app; or on Journey, my journaling app. Even then, it’s just a sentence or two at the most. Recently, I’ve had a session with …

My usual impulses

If you're a close friend or family member, you may know that I'm having a depressive relapse. Again. When I'm feeling this low, I usually think of utterly drastic changes to my life. I'll be the first one to admit that I am impulsive, and when I'm in that mood, I can hardly be swayed …

“I am so loved.”

A lot has happened over the course of a month or so. I won't get into detail, but it involves me going into medication withdrawal as well as other major life events. Lately, my moods have been stuck in a cycle of anxiety-sadness-anger. Suicidal thoughts have returned, as well as my relapse into self-harm (though …

An update on my mental health

Trigger warning: mentions of suicide and self-harm. Over the past couple of weeks, I've seen my psychologist and psychiatrist because surprise, I've been feeling quite suicidal again. This entire COVID situation has taken a serious toll on my mental health. I don't really see people, eat out, shop, or do the things I used to. …

Getting the quarantine crazies

Trigger warning: self-harm, suicidal thoughts. This lockdown is literally driving me crazy. I know it's for the best for public health, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I miss going out with friends. I miss shopping. I miss going to bars to drink. I miss going to see my therapists in person, …

Thoughts on Bojack Horseman, S06E10

I just finished watching Bojack Horseman S06E10. It was about Diane having difficulty writing her memoir on trauma. When Princess Carolyn asked why she wanted so badly to write about the bad stuff, Diane's answer was: “If I don't, all the damage I got isn't 'good damage.' It's just … damage. What was it for?” …

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Old conversations save my life

When I feel down in the dumps, I reread old conversations with my friends and Boopy. Those conversations are filled with love, light, and laughter: exactly what I need to combat the stresses of daily living. For me, it’s not easy to keep fighting another day. My MDD and BPD keep trying to convince me …

Let’s talk about splitting

Splitting is a symptom of borderline personality disorder where you swing between idealization of a person, and devaluation of them. Basically, you can only see someone as either really good or terribly bad: nothing in gray. It's an unhealthy way of keeping relationships because it dehumanizes the people in your life. Let's take this as …

I want to disappear

These past few days have been rough for me. As I’m writing this at 5:30am, I’m scream-singing All I Ask of You from The Phantom of the Opera, because it (and a cup of lukewarm instant coffee) is the only thing that is currently lifting my spirits. I’ve been crying myself to sleep since Saturday …

My parents finally have a better understanding of my mental illness, and I couldn’t be more grateful

When it comes to my family, my preferred love language is Acts of Service. This means that I feel most love when they do things for me, such as driving me to errands, making me coffee in the morning, and cooking for me. I love my mom and my stepdad dearly. After some hard times …