anything goes

Depression is such a bitch to fight

It makes you feel alone, even when you know there's a ton of people supporting you and loving you.
It makes you distant and disconnected from what you enjoy – writing, going to the gym, eating – until nothing makes you happy anymore.
It makes you wonder why on earth you should bother getting out of bed and doing the same shit all over again.
Most of all, it makes you exhausted.
I'm physically and emotionally tired of fighting this battle. I already have too many problems without my depression having to rear its ugly head. Then again, depression strikes anytime and anywhere. It's indifferent to my needs and its own bad timing. I have yet to fully grasp that.
I'm fucking sick of having to go to war with my own head as soon as I wake up. That voice inside me repeatedly tells me: you're worthless at work AND at home, you're barely keeping it together, stop trying so hard to be someone worthwhile because it's never going to happen. I have to remind myself constantly that my mental illness is lying to me.
Still, I won't deny that there is great appeal in the thought that I'll go to sleep and never wake up. The thought of finally succumbing to depression makes me despair, but not as much as the thought of having to go through this every single day.
I'm trying to get better. I really am. But fuck if I'm not sick of this shit.

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