The Best Friend always says that I’m too hard on myself. He usually tells me this when I rant to him about how shitty I am as a friend/daughter/worker. Hell, he tells me this when I tell him about how shitty I am overall as a person.
Most of the time, I feel inadequate. Like somehow I’m failing at life. I feel like I’m mediocre at everything, from blogging to makeup application to being a girlfriend. I like being perceived as a jolly person (I’ve heard that more than once) because it makes me feel like I’m contributing to the world somehow.
What I usually fail to realize is how much I impact the people around me. Apparently, my presence has a positive effect on others. I make them laugh, I listen to them, I make them feel good about themselves. I support them through bad times and I cheer them on in good times. Literally the only one who says I’m a bad person is me.
So I wonder, what’s with my low self-worth? I have a family and friends who love me fiercely. I have an awesomely supportive boyfriend who is patient and kind and who nourishes me. So why can’t I seem to love myself just as much as they love me?
If I ever heard a friend talk shit about themselves, I’d call them out on it immediately and argue that they are an amazing person (THEY FUCKING ARE. My friends are the best.). Why can’t I treat myself as well as I treat others? Is it because my self-esteem is so low that I don’t think I deserve that much care and affection?
I want to treat myself better. And no, that doesn’t mean treating myself to a buttload of makeup (though that never hurts). That means talking to myself in a better manner, telling myself that I do deserve love.
It’s going to be tough undoing years of this bad habit, but it’s going to be worth it.