My psychiatrist said that I should go to Makati more often because I mentioned how I felt traumatized by that place. He said it will desensitize me. So I met up with a group of friends hereafter referred to as the squad.
Now, I love the squad dearly but they trigger me so much. So much that I actually left our group chat on Facebook because even their messages trigger me. Now, perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to go to a triggering place with triggering people, but hear me out: I was arrogant. I thought I was ready to kick ass in Makati, to conquer it, and to conquer the squad’s triggering effects on me.
At first, I was okay. I was actually doing pretty well. Then I spaced out and all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe, speak, or move. I was shaking, cold, and damn near crying. Worse, I left my grounding object and my meds at home. All I could do was keep trying to breathe, and looking at photos of loved ones on my phone. I even threw up – that’s how bad it was. The Best Friend was asleep that time so I couldn’t call him. Good thing another close friend picked up the phone and talked me through my panic attack in the middle of him eating breakfast. (Shoutout to Paulo!!! Thank you so much!!!)
When it passed somewhat, I excused myself to go home. The ordeal left me physically exhausted, not to mention that I came from a shift that time so I had zero rest. Feeling worthless, I started crying on the bus, which made me feel even more pathetic.
I decided to stop by Cubao, my comfort place, to compose myself. I felt relatively calmer once I got to Gateway. I even mustered up the energy to meet with my mom and my aunt to shop in SM San Mateo.
When I got home, I decided to fuck this shit, and changed my sheets and cleaned my room. I lit a candle and opened up a new air freshener. I’m feeling much better now that I’m listening to Florence + The Machine’s Dog Days are Over.
Still, I could not have made it through this day without encouragement. Shoutout again to Paulo, Gelo, Kat, and Amimi, who were all very supportive no matter how neurotic I was during this episode.