As a kid, I was a chipper li’l bugger. Adults loved me because I was bright, and I had such confidence that I believed I could be anything I wanted to. I was beautiful, smart, and charming.
Unfortunately, I didn’t carry that self-esteem to my adulthood. Sometimes, I catch myself thinking how awful I am, a fat, ugly, mean-spirited, and boring person who is useless at everything. It’s gotten better over time, but loving myself is still a daily battle, one that I lose more often than I want to admit.
We accept the love we think we deserve. And most of the time, I don’t think I deserve the love that I get.
Several times, especially when I’m going through a rough patch, I wonder why the bunny still stands by me. I wonder if he is fed up with my constant sadness, anger, guilt, and angst. I wonder if he will meet a girl one day who sees rainbows everywhere, and he will see a brighter future with her instead of with me. If that does happen, I will be sad, but not very surprised. I’m a lot to handle, see.
What could someone like him possibly see in someone like me? Honestly, I think I’m more trouble than I’m worth. Wading through my personal shit is a paralyzing experience I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Until I get my issues sorted out (don’t hold your damn breath), this will always continue to torment me. Until I believe deep in my heart that I am worthy of love and respect, I will continue to doubt him.
Loving myself is the answer to this. I know that much. But how does one undo years of self-loathing? How does one even begin to accept herself, along with the flaws and fractures?