college life · growing up · I have a lot of feelings

I’m scared of the future, but really, who isn’t?

You know how I’ve told everyone that I’ll be studying to become an attorney after college?
Yeah, I’m not so sure about that now.

I’m three semesters away from getting a degree in Behavioral Science. According to the plans I made years ago, after getting a degree, I should go straight to law school, pass the bar exam, become an attorney, and get a job that pays well so I can support my family. But now, I’m having doubts.

Ask me why I want to be a lawyer, and most probably the answer would be “because I want to follow my mom’s footsteps,” “because the money’s good,” or “I’ll never be out of a job if I’m a lawyer.” My mom always says that I need to have passion and discipline to survive law school, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have either.

The thing is, I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t a lawyer. I really, really don’t want to work in a call center forever. I love to write, but couldn’t see myself making a living off of that. I have no talent, no direction, no anything.
I’m also scared shitless of making a mistake that could cost me a good future. I want a job that would provide a good life for me and my family. I want my mom to retire comfortably with the knowledge that I would be financially able to take care of her. I want to be able to send my future children to the best schools.

I have told everyone—and I mean everyone—about my plans to study law. Maybe I was trying to convince myself.
Anyway, I’m thinking, if I don’t take up law right after graduation, I’d get a job and hopefully use the time to figure out what I really want. I’m terrified of a future where I don’t truly enjoy what I do.

Right now, I’m furious at myself.

I want to kick my fourteen-year-old self’s ass for not having any ambition or goals, and so chose to be a lawyer so her mom would be proud.

I want to kick my sixteen-year-old self’s ass for being flippant over what course to take. “Oooh, I like Criminal Minds, so I’m going to study Behavioral Science!” I should have taken Journalism.

I want to kick my seventeen-year-old self’s ass for not thinking over why I wanted to take up law. “Because Attorney Kaimo sounds cool” is not a valid reason. Neither is “because the salary is good”.

I want to kick my eighteen-year-old self’s ass for thinking that salary was the most important thing to consider when picking a career path.

When I think about it, it’s sort of liberating. It gives me a sense of freedom to think that I don’t know where I’m going. It also gives me a sense of control: before, I used to feel trapped in a future I wasn’t sure I wanted. Now at least I can see for myself what I do want.

Keeping fingers crossed.

Photo source: http://weheartit.com/entry/1039326

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